How Jesus saved me twice.
Jesus saved me the first time when I accepted his gift of salvation. As the Bible says, I passed from death to life. I no longer have to worry about my eternity. I know that when I die physically, I will be with Jesus forever. I will forever be thankful for that.
I learned that though I had accepted his gift of salvation, I had not turned my entire life over to him. I didn't realize it for a long time. Sometimes life with two X-Men can be stressful. At the end of a particularly stressful day, I would make a drink for myself. Often times it was vodka and lemonade. I have never been a beer drinker or wine drinker, but I lightly joked that even Jesus drank wine, so the occasional drink was no big deal.
When the arbaclofen (STX 209) drug trial ended, I was devastated. I didn't give my worries to the Lord, but started having more and more drinks. I soon started drinking straight vodka and skipping the lemonade altogether. I kept my shot glass in the cupboard and used it regularly. "Just to take the edge off," I would tell myself.
It got to the point where I would drink some every day. I was embarrassed that I bought vodka so often. I sort of wondered what the people at the grocery store must think but figured there were a lot of other people buying alcohol as well and maybe I wasn't standing out in the crowd as much as I thought I was. I was hiding my drinking from other people. I didn't tell Eric how much I was actually drinking. I hid empty bottles, much to my shame.
I knew I was becoming more and more dependent on alcohol. I would feel like I needed it before doing any kind of social event. I wanted to stop drinking but felt like it was out of my control.
The Holy Spirit was convicting me. I heard numerous sermons about sin and knew that I was putting my trust in alcohol instead of God. How could I not trust the One whom I said I believed in for eternity when I couldn't even put my faith in Him for everyday problems?
But I also knew that I would not stop drinking on my own. I told the Lord that if I were to stop drinking, he would have to remove the temptation from me completely. And, since God is faithful even when we are not, he did just that. Like the flipping of a switch, I no longer wanted alcohol. The thought of alcohol actually turned my stomach and made me feel nauseated. I dumped any leftover alcohol I had and haven't had a drop since then. In fact, I have no desire to drink whatsoever.
However, people would ask me why I don't drink anymore and I would say that I just felt like it was not good for me. And while that is true, the actual reason I stopped was because I realized that I was not putting my trust in God and was putting my trust in vodka instead. When we put things ahead of God in our lives that is called idolatry and the Lord hates it. I can say with certainty that drinking alcohol was an idol to me. Thank God that He delivered me from that! Now when I am stressed I take a few minutes to myself and pray to God. He has never let me down!
This is something I am not proud to admit about myself. Is is humbling to admit my weakness. But the Lord nudged me to share it with you to show how He is able to deliver us from every thing that we put before Him. It has been over two years since my last drink and I have Him to thank for it.