Friday, May 17, 2013

They say all good things must come to an end....

...but I wasn't planning on this good thing coming to an end.  Two nights ago, I came home from bible study.  My sister Kelly and I were in the kitchen talking to Eric.  He said, "I guess I'll break the bad news to you.  The STX209 trial has ended."  I said, "WHAT?!"  He said, "It's over.  We got an email from Rush tonight about it."  After assuring me that he was serious, I said, "I am going to cry!"  and went and sat down in the living room.  I was stunned.  I just sat there while Eric and Kelly continued to talk.  Every so often, Kelly would peek in the room at me.  I didn't actually cry, I was just sitting there in disbelief. 

What did this mean?  Would all the wonderful gains Drew has made in the past year and a half be lost?  He's come so far.  He has friends.  He likes school.  He's becoming more independent.  He is enjoying life.  And people!  Oh, it's gut-wrenching to even think about!

My sister reminded me that God is in control and He has a plan for Drew.  That He loves Drew even more than I do.  And He has a real plan for him.  I admit I didn't receive that very well.  I just said, "Yeah, I know, I know." 

So, my sister and niece went home, leaving me and Eric to contemplate the consequences of this disaster.  I wanted him to comiserate with me.  I wanted him to say, "Yes, this sucks," and, "We'll be okay."  He tried, he really did.  But like most men, Eric wants to fix things.  He started talking about how we'll have to extra-diligent about the picture schedules and providing structure.  All true.  But my mind was going to "Oh my gosh, my sweet social boy is going back away." Some things you just can't fix with words.   Then I started crying.  And crying.  I cried until at least 1:30 am.  I tried to sleep, but I couldn't.  The devastation was too much.  Eric and I both tossed and turned all night. 

The next morning rolled around and Drew woke up.  I helped him with his shower and he reminded me that he needed his medicine.  (not that I needed reminding--it's all I'd been thinking about for the past nine hours)  He needs his medicine He needs his medicine!

I counted out how many pills we had and we had 4 weeks and one day's worth.  Something.  Not much, but enough to get him through the school year and Vacation Bible School, something he loved last year.  That got me wondering if he'll even be able to go into our new church without the Arbaclofen.  As long as we've been going to our new church, he's been on it.  So much to worry about.

Drew and Blake went to school and I got out my bible.  I said to God, "Lord, I know this is an infantile way of doing things, but I need encouragement right now."  I opened my bible at random.  It opened to Psalm 88.  It is said that Psalm 88 is the most mournful of all the psalms.    Though my pain was not brought on by any sin, my soul identified with the Psalmist's words of despondency.  I read on to Psalm 89. 

"And the heavens will praise Your wonders, O Lord;

Your faithfulness also in the assembly of the saints.
For who in the heavens can be compared to the Lord?
Who among the sons of the mighty can be likened to the Lord?
God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints,
And to be held in reverence by all those around Him.
O Lord God of hosts,
Who is mighty like You, O Lord?
Your faithfulness also surrounds You.
You rule the raging of the sea;
When its waves rise, You still them."  Ps. 89:5-9

And I knew.  This is a big problem.  But my God is bigger than this.  And I am not sure how it will all work out yet.  But I know that God is able to work it out for us. 



Amanda d said...

Kristie,I love your blog! I have been praying for your family, and what a powerful verse to open your Bible to with perfect timing. He must have a better plan already in store for Drew. God is good and o soon powerful.

Praying lots for you! :)

Cortney AbouElSeoud said...

Hi Kristie - we are certainly right there with you. I went ahead and linked your post up on my blog with the other moms whose kids were on Arbaclofen. *hugs*

All Mine said...

So sorry to hear about your trial ending. I will pray for drew that he will continue to make improvements with or without the medicine. I will pray for strength for you and Eric too. Denise